BREAKING NEWS: Schrader & Mascioli Forced To Write Down Mileage

Amidst growing competition and fears of wider recession, mid-level Company members Phil Schrader and Matt Mascioli have been forced to write down mileage. For many quarters, these runners have cut their interest in training, focusing on curbing mileage inflation and boosting employment. Even Alan Greenspan has jumped on the bandwagon of critics suggesting that Schrader and Mascioli have allowed their interest in running to lag significantly below short term nap rates for too long-- making street credit nearly impossible to obtain.

Schrader's ego appears to have been fueled entirely by easy corporate credit, where anyone able to run a continuous 5k earns a WOW rating. He'll face an uphill road in the coming months, however, as he slipped below local Coffee rates- a key historic indicator- in Sunday afternoon trading. Analysts predict that stakeholders will begin calling in options to run, particularly after his mortgage-backed Excuses expire sometime this spring.

In the summer of 2007, Mascioli famously responded to an earlier stakeholder suggestion that he write down mileage. A visibly upset Mascioli declared, "You don't even know what a write-down is!" The stakeholder agreed, but observed that Mascioli did, and that Mascioli would be the one writing it down. Mascioli is then said to have wished for those thirty seconds back, a claim he now denies.

Schrader and Mascioli have both announced that they may be forced to write down mileage all summer. The size and even the exact nature of the write-downs are still unclear.

2008 USATF MN Team Circuit Preview

The 2008 USATF MN Team Road Racing Circuit begins in three longer-than-they-were-before-daylight-savings-began days. Our collective anticipation for sun and sweat will make them seem short. That is, the days of which I speak will pass rapidly, thereby reducing their mass. All things are relative.

Not the least of which is Team Circuit Performance. Most of the previews you'll read will say something like "Run 'N' Fun hopes to win again!" Relatively speaking, who cares? The Team Circuit is not about winning, and it's certainly not about winning "again." No, the Team Circuit is about beating people. Sometimes it's about beating all the people, but usually not. The Minnesota Team Circuit is a collection of undeclared rivalries; individual, collective and existential. For six months each year our private hopes and fears spill into the streets. We train and fret, plot and scheme and measure our happiness and self-esteem against arbitrary targets, usually unaware they have been selected for such a role.

The Team Championship is only one of these battles. It is probably not the most important. Those are likely to be the individual battles we've chosen privately, and that I will not address until I either win a bunch of mine or get angry at someone. In the meantime, here's a look at the team rivalries that will shape the 2008 Men's Open Circuit:

Run N Fun vs The Runners Formerly Known as Edge

Every year about 15-20 somewhat-fast dudes lace up their shoes and compete for either Run 'N' Fun or Another Shoe Store. Until recently Another Shoe Store was Runner's Edge. When Runner's Edge went out of business last year, GEAR absorbed the team...and lost the title. This year the former Edge runners are likely flocking from GEAR to TC Running Co. Run 'N' Fun has won at least a share of four of the last five circuit titles, but TCRC had a solid team in 2007 and finished fourth even without the somewhat-fast Edge transplants. The problem, of course, is that the Runners Formerly Known as Edge are developing a reputation for acting like the aliens from Independence Day. They travel from sponsor to sponsor, exhaust its resources, lay waste to its cities and move on. If this pattern holds, look for GEAR to have a rebuilding year in 2008...and for TCRC to have a rebuilding year in 2009.

Lundgren Ford vs Third Place

As far as I'm willing to research, Third Place has won this battle every year. In spirit if not in fact. Spiritwise, look for Nothing To Change in 2008.

Slab City Running Company vs Collegeville Track Club

Because we at SCRC are (the better) half of this rivalry, it is extremely accurate to say that this is by far the most compelling and complex. Old MIAC triumphs and defeats are relatively fresh, but so too is the realization that nobody is making us run. We are free to run, not run or go to grad school as we please. Our teams are tied at 1-1 all time on the Circuit. In 2007, Collegeville followed Peder Arneson and some strong second-half recruits to victory. Really, though, the winner in this battle will be determined by which team does better against a shared rival: Autonomy.

Collegeville vs Autonomy

Last year Collegeville destroyed Autonomy and managed to find plenty of runners who hadn't yet realized they don't have to run. More importantly, the autonomous forces present on the Collegeville roster proved less influential than the opposing running forces. The team seems poised for another impressive performance in 2008, but Autonomy has a ringer in the form of Mark Rapacz. If his trip to Asia inspires similar departures look for a depleted Collegeville team to lose to both Autonomy and SCRC.

The Company vs Autonomy

Autonomy has always had a charismatic and influential presence on the Company roster. Andy Sherman's leadership on its behalf and Phil Schrader's happy-go-lucky acquiescence have been attractive models for a younger generation of autonomous members. For years, Christopher "Bizyah" Lundberg has been the team's primary bulwark against Autonomy, and he may part Company this season after his law school graduation. If that happens SCRC will have to pin its hopes on Schrader, who recently has shown signs that he is post-autonomous by leading runs with groups of younger Company members.

Team Ortho vs Molar Milers

It's like, who is better when it comes to mouths and running? Probably the Molar Milers, since Ortho is short for Orthopaedic. These teams were separated by just one point heading in to last year's final race. You would think that the orthopaedic team would have an advantage because of its collection of joints, bones and spines. It turns out, however, that what the Molars lack in joints, bones and spines, they make up for by being Milers. Team Ortho is not taking last year's loss lying down. The team website has announced that it will expand beyond joints, bones and spines to include "Every Body." By the end of the season the team might even include essential legs and arms. But if the Molar team continues to Mile, Team Ortho's expansion might not matter.

The Human Race is Sunday, March 16th! Don't worry about winning, just worry about beating people! See you on the streets...

Mileaj or Maltaj: SCRC Team Meeting Wrap

Last Tuesday (2/26 if you're scoring at home) I looked up from my malt to discover that there were six other fellahs scattered around Annie's Parlour. We pulled our tables together and did our best not to discuss running. Unfortunately we strayed off topic and covered some SCRC matters, some of which involved running.

The 2008 USATF Minnesota Team Road Racing Circuit begins in just two weeks at The Human Race on Sunday, March 16th. SCRC expects to field a team without much problem, but reminds everyone who hopes to race to renew your USATF MN membership. When you do, please list your team affiliation on your registration form, and please make sure to list our team.

The rest of the circuit schedule is listed to the right. We expect that fielding complete teams at each race this year may be more difficult than it has been in years past, so if you know you will not be able to race on certain dates please email Tom or Biz. In particular, The Company may be thin at Get in Gear, Brian Kraft and the MDRA Minnesota 15K. If you are planning to be around for any of these races it would be extra fantastic if you ran them.

It would (probably) also be fantastic if you want to recruit any New Members for the The Company. SCRC would like to extend a warm welcome to Brent Kudak, a former MIAC runner, expert turkey-carver and coordinator of the UMN Med School 5K. Thanks to Bryan Donald for his outstanding, home-brewed, recruiting efforts. It is not required that you enroll in med school to recruit new members, but it is not discouraged.

If you've got a new recruit interested in joining The Company but they are worried there might not be enough breakfast in it for them, fear not! At least for the duration of the season a different SCRC member will host a Sunday Run & Brunch every month. These will be listed on on the SCRC schedule to the right. The March Run & Brunch is coming up this weekend at the Mascioli's Apartment. Chapel will host the April Run & Brunch the week before the flurry of April races.

Finally! If you still do not have a uniform, please contact Chapel. Your uniform and uniforms for many of your closest friends are in his closet. If you do have a uniform but are interested in purchasing a new, alternative and lighter-weight singlet, please contact Tom. Those interested will be purchasing these singlets in navy, either from the Anaconda Sports website or from Marathon Sports. We will screen-print a simple S.C.R.C. (or something similar) across the front. We will plan to place the order by March 10th so those interested can have them for the bulk of the season.

Posts will pick up again as the season starts; the 2008 season preview is forthcoming!

The Rest of Aught Seven

We have been simply swamped over here at SCRC headquarters. There have been Business Meetings, Social Events, Family Gatherings and Seinfeld Reruns. We are exhausted! We are sighing heavily and speaking weary exclamations with increased frequency! Goodness Gracious! But, my-oh-my, what a lot of racing has been completed over these, the last months 2007 shall e're witness. Won't you join us as we reminisce?

The Race In New York

Not even a month after we all remembered why it's best not to run marathons, Christopher "Bizyah" Lundberg forgot. He placed 319/1-Billion in 2:49:58 at the New York City Marathon. If he had placed 519 his place would have matched the police-code used as a joke in that one episode of Seinfeld where they were in LA looking for Kramer. But he placed 319, which is not very funny. He also reversed his Marathon Trajectory such that he now runs faster, not slower, over consecutive marathons. Bizyah will have another go at the East Coast at the Boston Marathon in April, 2008.

The Race In The Resevoir

SCRC Runner of the Year, Dan "Chapel" Church, returned to action the day after Thanksgiving by making a celebrity appearance at his high school alumni race. He jogged his way to a 2nd place finish behind a glory-seeking collegian. The collegian was later heard boasting, "I nailed almost 100-theses to the door of the Great Chapel and caused in him a schism!" It was weird.

The Race In Ohio

After two consecutive years of racing to the bottom at the USATF National Club XC Championships, SCRC decided we would be best represtented by an individual performance. When you send a team to these things you know how it goes. It's all politics and so-and-so doesn't eat venison parmesean and his shoes are on my feet and vice versa and there's never enough EPO to go around. So SCRC arranged to mail Bizyah to Ohio for this year's race. Simple, efficient, and the post office is right around the corner from my apartment. A loyaler soul than Herr Bizyah, however, I challenge you to find. He balked when he learned just how much the postage would cost for SCRC to mail him to the race, and offered to drive himself. So he did, leaving Minneapolis at 5pm, arriving in Ohio at 5am (well ahead of the scheduled Post Office delivery), napping in his car until race time, racing on the course until the race was over, showering, and driving back. Biz competed well in terrible conditions and saved The Company not only postage, but some face as well.

The Race This Morning

Some men look at the Twin Cities Racing Scene as it Is and say "Why?" I am one of those men. Some men look at the Twin Cities Racing Scene as it Could Be and say "Why Not?" Eric Hartmark is one of those men. Eric Hartmark examined the Twin Cities Racing Scene and recognized that there was not one single 2.05mi uphill race. And Eric Hartmark said "Why Not?" And Eric Hartmark took some clay and his rib and sculpted something called the West River Road. And he saw that it was Not Enough and he sculpted something called Franklin Avenue. And he saw that it was Still Not Enough, and he sculpted something called Prospect Park. And he saw that it Needed Just A Little More and sculpted Tower Park Hill and caused it to be covered with Snow. And he saw that it was 2.05mi uphill, and he caused the faithful to run it. Bizyah placed second at this race, trailing only its creator. Chapel placed fifth, fourth among non-creators.

Happy New Year from Slab City Running Company!

Twin Cities Recap

This is why we live in Minnesota. Days like this. If you raced the Twin Cities Marathon, if you raced the Twin Cities 10-Miler, you know what I mean. The Dixie-whistlers in Chicago had to deal with the oppressive conditions you would expect from a southern marathon. Ninety-degrees. Ninety-percent humidity. That is just insane. Is it any wonder that native Moroccan, Khalid Khannouchi, won four in a row down south? North of the equator here in Minneapolis the day broke crisp, twenty-degrees colder than the starting temperature in Chicago. A comfortable moisture hung in the air like a cozy fleece against the 70-degree chill. And although 10,000 runners toed the line, the weather conditions had all but anointed Ukrainian and Russian champions before the race began.

Slab City Running Company fared well against the elements. Native Wisconsinite, resident Virginian, and full-time Aerobic Animal, Andrew Schroeder led the Company in 2:43:53, a PR by over seven minutes. His 36th place finish is the best in Company history. "Well, I've been watching a lot of Man vs. Wild" Schroeder explained in a post-race interview. "The biggest challenges are always mental. For me, once I resisted a pretty strong urge to dive off the Franklin Avenue bridge in order to demonstrate what to do if you happen to dive off the Franklin Avenue bridge, I knew I was going to have a solid performance." Schroeder executed his race strategy the same way he executed spectators who failed to provide sufficient fluids, with medical precision.

Dan "Chapel" Church finished just four places behind Schroeder and delivered the Company's gutsiest performance. Taking aim at the local elite time-standard, 2:35, Chapel held his goal pace for twenty miles before remembering that he wanted to stay awake to watch the Red Sox clinch the ALDS. He slowed down just enough to guaranty himself a 2-minute PR, 2:45:20, but the most impressive part of his performance was not his steely focus over the final 10K. Chapel's time is most amazing because it includes a quick stop at his apartment to hit refresh on ESPN Gamecast. Chapel, who has already established himself as one of Minnesota's elite sitters, likely secured elite standing for the next two years at the Twin Cities Marathon by finishing sixth among Minnestoans.

Allen Lundberg giggled his way to the finish line in just under four hours, but he saved his sprint for the trip from the chute to the Caribou Coffee stand. His 15s split for post-race arrival and full-cup consumption edges his younger brother's 2005 mark by 3s. The two are said to have then engaged in a pissing contest.

Also, we are pretty sure that Andy Sherman ran this race. We saw him last night and he said something about a "full body shiver." It kinda grossed us out. Plus, it was cold for everyone. Suck it up, man.

No, if there was tragedy for the Company at TCM 2007 his name was Phil Schrader. Loyal fans recall his marathon debut and his impressive string of sub-3hr marathons and perhaps they shake their heads at his 3:32:19. We do not. We worry that something greater than minutes and seconds was lost on Sunday morning. We saw his grim finish and thought whimsically to his stirring performance in 2005. Though he finished with the masses on Sunday, it appeared he was no longer their champion. Gone were waving arms and populist kisses. In their place, the single-minded pursuit of a material finish line, painted on concrete and not on his soul. Those of us who remember 2005 teared-up after the race as Schrader suggested we "head over to Target."

Whither then some constant in a bitter world that freezes marathoners and Schrader's heart alike? A hopeful Company turns of course to Schroeder and Chapel, but also to Ben Merchant and Chris Lundberg of 10-Mile persuasion. Smerch capped an impressive season by placing a reassuring 50th in the US Championship field, and Biz raced without a shirt. For fans, for humanity, for the Company, maybe that is all we need. Smerch and his consistent performance, Biz and his naked chest; these are our anchors in the frozen ocean we call home.

Slab City will compete sporadically but enthusiastically over the next month. Bizyah returns to action on November 4th in New York. Schrader returns to Target tomorrow. And Chapel will spend the next several weeks defending his 2006 Minnesota Sitting Championship against his chief rival, Andy Sherman.

Twin Cities Weekend Preview

Twin Cities weekend is always a very tense time of year around the SCRC corporate headquarters and 2007 is no exception. With four members running the marathon, two running the 10-miler and the rest planning to protest along the course, the Company is more polarized than any other time in its history. As always, the polarization is along sharply ideological lines. The marathoners are generally newer members, well known for their pro-race positions. The pro-choice members are generally older, and the reasons for their positions on the sidelines are far from uniform. Barring some unforeseen injury, this weekend's decision will come down to Slab City's two swing-racers in the 10-miler.

Dan "Chapel" Church will try to avoid the second marathon curse that has plagued other Slab City members. Coming off a very strong season riding the circuit, Chapel is expected to impose a speed limit on himself and an undue burden on any pro-choice spectator hoping to shout at him for more than a few paces. The Aerobic Animal, Andrew Schroeder, is very likely to sign any opinion drafted by Chapel. After a summer training in Virginia Schrades seems to have shed some of his reluctance to speak with the press. In a recent interview he explained, "On Sunday I will throw down."

Not so optimistic but easily as vitriolic is Andy Sherman, elder-statesmen of the pro-race movement. A polemic dissenter, racing even when inappropriate or likely to contribute to a disharmonious Company, The Shermanimal has seen his popularity and influence skyrocket with Slab City's recent influx of young pro-race members. His June opinion in In Re Grandma's Marathon was 25minutes faster than anything he'd previously authored and he's spent the summer with Chapel, riding the circuit and preparing himself for Sunday's case. In recent months his health has become a larger question mark, however, and if he needs to recuse himself the pro-choice members would have one less reason to shout.

Nick Mascioli is the newest, youngest, most intolerant pro-race member. He is also Italian, and showed up to his first Slab City practice demanding that we all call him Justice Samuel Alito. None of us get it either. Alito cut sugary alcohol from his diet, though, and is looking trim heading into this weekend. He'll spend Sunday morning trying to persuade Phil Schrader, historically pro-choice, to sign on to a pro-race opinion. The debate could take as much as four hours.

Swing racers, Chris "Bizyah" Lundberg and Ben "Smerch" Merchant, are likely to determine which side carries the day for Slab City. They bing different backgrounds to the 10-miler, Bizyah staunchly pro-race and Smerch typically a more moderate pro-choice member. The danger for the pro-choice contingent is not whether Smerch will win. He will. Instead, pro-choice members will be watching intently, hoping that Bizyah does not attempt to influence other voting by leading Smerch for 7 or 8 of 10 miles. That could mean a disastrous outcome. But I won't describe it.

Swing racers go at 7:10am, pro-race marathoners go at 8am! Pro-choicers, bring something clever to yell.

The 2007 Circuit Wrap

Slab City Running Company finished 6th of 11 teams on the 2007 USATF Minnesota Team Circuit. Run N Fun "edged" GEAR for the overall title, Lundgren Ford enjoyed its final year finishing third and Collegeville rode a rejuvenated Peder Arneson and some fresh-legged studs to a fourth-place tie with newcomers, TC Running Company. After seven months and eight races, SCRC was only ten points from making that a three-way tie and matching our 2006 debut.

SCRC's 2007 successes promise continued success for the 2008 season. Slab City Rookie of the Year, Ben Merchant, led the team at Brian Kraft (15:35), Rice Street (4:21), and the Master's 15K (49:30). Prodigal son, Bryan Donald punctuated his return to Minnesota with a crucial 5th-man performance at Get in Gear and followed it up with a post-collegiate best (16:07) at Brian Kraft. Runner-up for Slab City Rookie of the Year, Reuben Woodruff, announced himself as a strong mid-distance threat with a blistering race at Rice Street (4:28). Andy Sherman PR'd by over 25 minutes at Grandma's Marathon, continuing his journey back to reasonable fitness and Matt "Ol' Faithful" Gehring ensured that SCRC would not drop from the standings with his gutsy performance in Duluth.

But the 2007 SCRC Runner of the Year has to be Dan "Chapel" Church. Chapel put together one of his most consistent and one of his most impressive seasons, carrying an often ailing or depleted Company. He opened his year with a huge PR at the Human Race (26:29), followed that with a 33:22 at Get in Gear only 2s off his PR, and surprised himself with a 4:43 mile at Rice Street. In the meantime he helped to anchor another dominant Woods to Water squad and PR'd by over four minutes at the Gary Bjorklund Half-Marathon. He PR'd again at the Master's 15K (51:02) and led the team to a 4th place finish at the City of Lakes 25K with a 1:29:27. At City of Lakes Chapel ran his final 5mi in 27:45, just 5s slower than his 2006 Human Race 8K.

The team has some individual business to finish up before looking ahead to 2008. Chapel, Sherman, Schrades and Nick Mascioli are sleeping now for the Twin Cities Marathon on October 7th. Bizyah will test himself against Abdi and Dan Browne in the TC 10miler before competing in the slower of the two November marathons in New York.